Is this thing on?

It’s been over a month since I’ve been here, and I’m still drowning in a sea of misplaced modifiers and grocers apostrophes. Until such time as I can return to being a functioning member of society, I’m staying offline. In the meantime, here’s a list of important things.

1. I am still reading Carpentaria.

2. I figured out who the killer was on page 223 of The Lost Symbol. Brown, you’re slipping.

3. I went to a music festival which was great! It was only the second time I have ever been camping in my life. The first time was in the Sahara when it was about 50 billion degrees and I got a visit from the Celestial Sand Stalker of the Sahara.

4. I finished up my job at the place with the cat. I also made  friends with the dog that lived next door to the  place with the cat. On my last day he licked my nose.

5. I attempted to dress up as a pirate for International Talk Like A Pirate Day, however I ended up looking like the lead singer of Thin Lizzy. Ah well.

6. New music! I really like Lisa Mitchell , Mumford and Sons, and Philidelphia Grand Jury. Check ‘em out. I also like Air’s new CD.

7. I have applied for an amazing job that I can’t really talk about for fear of jinxing it. Cross your fingers anyway.

8. I’m going to a ball on Friday night. I’m still not entirely sure how that happened, but I’ll be sure to wear my glass slippers. YOU NEVER KNOW.

9. I have a copy editing exam on Thursday. It may kill me. I regret nothing, except maybe dressing like the lead singer of Thin Lizzy on Talk Like A Pirate Day.

10.  On Friday I’m taking my grandmother to see Mao’s Last Dancer, in an effort to distract her from my lack of husband.

All in all, I think the current state of B. can be summed up by the following gif, which apparently only animates if you click on it:

See y’all on the flip side.

Thar she blows…

I am proud to announce that I survived the Big Wind Storm of August 2009. It was a dicey couple of hours there with no power, but in the fine tradition of this house Krystle and I said “screw you mother nature!” and went and ate cake in Ivanhoe.

Before that though, I was home alone with no electricity. And when  I went lookng for candles, torches and pants (as previous pair were soaked in the deluge), I made the startling discovery that THIS HOUSE IS TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

Seriously.  My search for illumination and pants yielded the following items that could be useful should the undead walk the Earth:

*One torch, almost flat.
*An assortment of candles including one I got for my 21st, two I bought in Thailand last year and one I got in an oil burner from a friend in 1998.
* Hayley’s hurl
*One oversized cat, who insisted on following me around the house
* Two Ferrero Rochers (clearly the most useful)

As you can see, if this were a zombie movie we’d all be dead by now so I am going to spend tonight on my Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan, whilst ignoring the two editing assignments that I have due on Thursday and  Monday respectively.

PS – My second shift at  the Melbourne Writers Festival was awesome, I got to listen to Margo Lanagan and Anthony Eaton talk about young adult fiction and now I am inspired to get  back to my story.

PPS – My first shift at the MWF involved 2 crazy men, a flock of lesbians,  a bearded lady, the federal police and this sign:

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Can’t sleep…the soprano will eat me…

Today we had a knock on  the door from someone claiming that he was there to change our lightbulbs for free. We were somewhat sceptical at first (this has happened before, it turned out that it was only free if we changed electricity providers) but it turned out to be genuine. Which is great, and huzzah for free light bulbs, but now I have three working lightbulbs in my room, instead of just one.

You would think that this would also merit a huzzah. But here’s the thing. The light fittings in my room are yellow glass, and with all three light bulbs working, my bedroom is now SAVAGE YELLOW. To a normal person this would be fine, but when I was little I used to have a recurring nightmare where I was stuck in a big yellow room on my own, and the only sound I could hear was an opera singer singing the one high note, without pause. (I swear, I was about seven when this was happening. It stemmed from reading The Enchanted Wood in a way, because the Scary Opera Room was at the top of a tree, Faraway Tree style.)

While I have mostly grown up enough to recognise that just because my room is now SAVAGE YELLOW that the world will not end, I am putting an embargo on opera music, for the sake of the tenuous grasp that I have on my sanity.

I swear I’m not mad.

Many other things have happened since last I wrote an actual post, instead of pointing at impressive things on youtube, but they mainly involve me being really sick and coughing up my lungs. The good news is that despite my best efforts, they are still firmly in place. Even more exciting is that I have gotten my mojo back just in time for the Melbourne Writers Festival, which starts on Friday. Big huzzah! There are many reasons why I’m excited about MWF this year, but the biggest of all is that I get to be a volunteer on the ‘Eclectic Bookshops Walk’, which goes all over Melbourne to bookshops that you might not ordinarily know about.

How excited am I? Let’s face it, I don’t really need to know the location of MORE books, since I’m doing such a good job spending stupid amounts of money in the ones that I DO know about. But screw that, I’m excited!

(PS – have finally update the books and movies list. Also updated the about page, just because it seemed like a good idea at the time.)

Sunshowers are wonderful.

Five Things  I’ve Recently Remembered That I Had Forgotten About

1. My friend Tom falling out  of a tree and breaking his foot while he was drunk. He brought the offending branch back to my flat, where it remained for the whole of 2004. (Instead of going to the hospital, he sat on the bench in the kitchen drinking more alcohol while wearing my Richmond slippers)

2. When I was maybe ten my brother, the kid across the street and I crumbled up about a million silver birch seed pods into a bucket, the ones that look like this:

I’m not sure what shenanigans were intended with the bucket of seeds, but I’m pretty sure it sat there for about six months before Mum gave up and tipped it out.

3.  Hiding from one of our friends girlfriends that we didn’t like. I was about 20.

4. At the time of the first Gulf War, someone invented a very peculiar game where you lept off a cement block on the beach, and depending on where you landed you had either bombed Iraq, Kuwait, Iran or America. Such was our grasp on international affairs at the age of seven.

5 . The first time I ever saw Richmond play football was in 1997 at York Park. I went with my Dad and my friend Nyssa and it poured with rain all day. (And Richmond lost. I didn’t see Richmond actually win a game until 2001).

I don’t know what has made me so nostalgic this week, but at some point or another each of those memories has popped into my head.

In other news, it is so much more fun catching the train on the weekend. During the week the train is full of people going  to work, and the train is almost completely silent apart from the few people who play their Ipods far too loud. (Including a man in a suit with a soft spot for Beyonce). Today I caught the train into the city to go do some work for the Melbourne Writers Festival and the train was full of over-excited children, who were completely enamoured with the concept of train travel and who alerted everyone in the carriage whenever we passed another train.

I wish I got that excited about trains.

It’s been a good day though. Had breakfast with some of the gang that I used to work with, helped out proofing the program for the Writers Festival, and right now I’m listening to the soundtrack from Life On Mars, in preperation for heading out on the town with my friend Helen. (Incidentally, I’ve updated my happy list after carrying around my umbrella today)

Above all else though, this week is good for two reasons:

1. I’ve left the job of doom, and am slowly getting my sanity back.
2. My brother (who shall henceforth be known as St Lazarus of Lame), gave me the following DVD for my birthday, which was a month ago:

Now as I’m sure you’re overcome with amazement at the above trailer, let me just point out three things:

1. Mega Shark lept out of the water and ate a plane.
2. Mega Shark lept out of the water and ate the Golden Gate Bridge
3. I am on team Mega Shark. Quite frankly, the giant octopus is a wuss.

It is without a doubt the most hilariously bad movie I have ever seen. Huzzah!

My big fat Eurovision Entry.

Am unplugging the interwebs for a little while while I catch up on offline things like homework. (Boo.) In the meantime, lets talk about Eurovision.

 

Europe, I have a bone to pick with you:

The Toppers - rocking it Old Skool.

 

 

This is the Netherlands entry, The Toppers. I realise that you can’t judge their abilities from a photo, but frankly I don’t think you need to. Alas, they didn’t make it to the final, as the rest of Europe didn’t share this view. 

Serbia's entry. Or as it was referred to in my house, Serbian Seth Rogen.

Serbia also didn’t get through. I don’t know whether it was bias as they had won the year before, but I mean really. How could you not give that hair twelve points?

Anyway, I feel that the Global Financial Crisis got to Eurovision this year – the whole show seemed much more subdued in this commentators opinion. Terry Wogan, we missed you dearly. But, despite the doom and gloom, there were a couple of bright sparks of joy. Observe:

 

The song was "Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl)". I feel something was lost in translation.

 

Give it up for the Ukranian go-go dancers.

Ukraine were  a beacon of light in the darkness. So much to like – the crazy boots, the go-go dancing Gladiators, the drum solo by the singer half way through. Good work gang!

Albania – what can be said about an entry performed by a ballerina, two midgets and a sparkly blue gimp? Epic win.

This is the Greek entry. I wish I could have found a pic of what he was leaping off in this photo – it was universally agreed that it was a hair straightener. Or as I referred to it, the Hair Straightener of Destiny. Greece was my favourite this year, even though I COULD NOT STOP STARING AT HIS CROTCH. Awkward. 

Special mention must also go to Azerbaijan, who continue to please me with their Eurovision entries. Between you and me I think they will win soon, mainly because I think they’re the only ones trying now. (Someone told me during the week that Ireland don’t try at all any more because they’re sick of winning. Fair enough I guess). I am currently hatching a plot to travel to the Eurovision final in 2013 (for my 30th birthday, how great would that be???), and I think Baku would rock the Eurovision vote. (There’s a gift from me to you – Baku is the capital of Azerbaijan. I know this the same way I know how to say 12 points in French. Eurovision educates AND entertains).

But when it all came down to it, hair straighteners of destiny, midgets, gimps, and gladiators were never going to beat the Norwegian Zac Efron.

So there you have it. Eurovision 2010 will be in Oslo (something that my Norwegian friend Tiril is very underwhelmed about). And now I must resume my life, which is Sadly Lacking in glitter, glamour and Smurf Gimps.